Personality is easy to read, and we’re all experts at it.  We judge people funny, extroverted, energetic, optimistic, confident—as well as overly serious, lazy, negative, and shy—if not upon first meeting them, then shortly thereafter.  And though we may need more than one interaction to confirm the presence of these sorts of traits, by the time we decide they are, in fact, present we’ve usually amassed enough data to justify our conclusions.

Character, on the other hand, takes far longer to puzzle out.  It includes traits that reveal themselves only in specific—and often uncommon—circumstances, traits like honesty, virtue, and kindliness.  Ironically, research has shown that personality traits are determined largely by heredity and are mostly immutable.  The arguably more important traits of character, on the other hand, are more malleable—though, we should note, alterable not without great effort.  Character traits, as opposed to personality traits, are based on beliefs (e.g., that honesty and treating others well is important—or not), and though beliefs can be changed, it’s far harder than most realize.

(Source: happinessinthisworld.com)

Most people think of the phrase “I love you” when they hear of the three magic words. But I think there are three other words that are even more loving. They are “Tell me more.” Another variation is, ” Is there more? Or “Any other thing?” These words show a willingness to listen, to learn the experience of the other.

I first learned of the power of these words when I was 19. I was a sophomore in college; my sweetheart was a medical student. We were planning to marry in a few months with the whole wedding ceremony shebang, to please our parents. But we didn’t want to wait and were married by a justice of the peace. Later that day, I flew home for a previously planned visit to my parents. I had intended to keep the elopement a secret and continue with our plan.

It was hard to hide my internally bursting joy. In fact, I had put a family ring on my little finger for me to look at and rejoice. It never occurred to me that anyone would notice it. After several hours of getting caught up with my mother-with other stuff, of course-we geared up to go to bed. She turned to me and asked, “Is there more?”

Well, I just couldn’t contain it. I told her, all the while being afraid she would be disappointed. So I was delightfully shocked when she breathed a huge sigh of relief. She had been so concerned that perhaps I was pregnant that hearing “married” was a gift to her.

These three magic words are called, in listening skills, “eliciting.” And they are very powerful.